


Not At First Sight

by alikuu



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Boys Will Be Boys, Cousins, Family, Family Drama, Family Issues, Fingolfin and Feanor's issues, Friendship, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Kid Fingon, Kid Maglor, Kids being mildly violent in their rivalry, M/M, Maedhros being the best older brother and cousin ever, Mischief, Sibling Jealousy, Sibling Rivalry, Years of the Trees, and model son, cuteness, parenting, parenting issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-11 13:24:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11715264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alikuu/pseuds/alikuu
Summary: A story about how Fingon gradually realised his love for Maedhros.(Ratings and warnings might change as this fic progresses.)





	1. Like a Brother

**Author's Note:**

> This fic stars as a cute kid-fic, but it will progress to more mature themes as Fingon ages.
> 
> Please note that although in later chapters there will be hints of Fingon falling in love and maybe even hitting on Maedhros as a minor, there will be no underage content. 
> 
> You can expect slash towards the end of the fic when Fingon is an adult :D

It wasn’t love at first sight, because Fingon couldn’t remember his first meeting with Maedhros. They had been introduced when Fingon had been a babe in arms and to say that he had instantly fallen head-over-heels for Maedhros would have been a poetic exaggeration that even Maglor couldn’t get away with.

As the story went, his first encounter with Maedhros had been a rather messy affair - his eldest cousin holding him in his arms and patiently allowing his red-hair to be pulled and chewed on, and his face smeared in saliva as baby Fingon had made happy noises and touched Maedhros’ cheek with grimy fingers.

He hadn’t always been in-love with Maedhros, but Fingon recalled that he had always loved his cousin fiercely and jealously sought his attention even before he knew the words to describe those emotions.

One of Fingon's earliest memories was of visiting the Feanorian household for dinner and embarrassing his father in front of the stern-faced Feanor. He was no more than a toddler then, and was still known as Findekano in the same way that his cousins were Maitimo and Makalaure. And being the youngest one of his generation, Findekano had to sit in grandfather Finwe’s lap, while his parents spoke to the Feanorians at length.

Across the dinner table sat Feanor, to his left Nerdanel and to his right Maitimo, who was a full-grown elf, but in Findekano’s eyes wasn’t exactly an adult. To him, Maitimo was one of them, the oldest and the coolest one. Findekano wanted to imitate him, trail after him, and play with him, because Maitimo always came up with the best games and was never dismissive like the other adults.

They had been sitting for a very, very long time, and Findekano was becoming fidgety, kicking his little feet against his grandfather’s knees as he stared intently at Maitimo. His oldest cousin seemed to be very interested in something Findekano’s dad was saying and was nodding along eagerly. How Maitimo couldn’t be bored by the adult’s conversation Findekano couldn’t understand, but he accepted that he had to wait for Maitimo’s attention. His cousin usually excused himself from the dinner table soon after the meal was finished and played with him and Makalaure, until they got so tired that they had to be put to bed.

“Finno,” his grandfather addressed him softly, in order not to interrupt Feanor, who appeared to be saying something important. “I can feel you getting restless. Do you want to go play with Makalaure?”

Findekano looked to where Makalaure was sitting all by himself. His cousin was only a few years older than Findekano, but the two had very little else in common. Makalaure seemed perfectly happy left to his own devices while playing a xylophone - an instrument Feanor had invented for his young son, who showed remarkable affinity to music but couldn’t yet play the flute or the harp, because his chubby little fingers were too short to grasp those instruments properly.

Findekano considered the idea for a moment. It looked incredibly boring.

“No,” he shook his head and turned his attention back to Maitimo.

“Are you sure? Come on, go ask Makalaure to play,” Finwe said and as if he didn’t hear him complain, put Findekano down on the floor.

“Don’t be shy,” his grandfather encouraged before turning back to the discussion of the adults.

“I’m not shy!” Findekano stomped a foot but then an idea came into his mind. Being set down meant that he was free to roam, so without further delay he trotted over to the other side of the table where the Feanorians sat.

Despite the appearance of being thoroughly engaged in their parent’s debate, Maitimo noticed Findekano instantaneously and turned to smile at him.

Findekano couldn’t stop the little squeal of excitement and joy as he ran the last few steps to Maitimo’s chair and straight into his eldest cousin’s hands.

“Careful, Finno,” Maitimo warned, putting one of his gigantic hands over the table’s edge to make sure Findekano’s head didn’t bump into it.

“Maitimo!” Findekano squealed and threw his hands up, ready to be picked up by the tallest elf he had ever known.

His outburst caused Feanor to pause momentarily in his speech and raise an arched eyebrow in Findekano’s direction. It was the most minute distraction, but apparently that was enough for Findekano’s dad to get annoyed with him.

“Findekano, what are you doing there bothering Maitimo again? Go play with Makalaure!” Nolofinwe reprimanded him, causing Findekano’s tiny shoulders and face to sag.

Ashamed of himself, Findekano didn’t look up to see Maitimo’s reaction, instead he ran back to his grandfather, who took him into his arms once again and cuddled him against his chest.

When Findekano dared to look back to the room, the conversation had resumed as if nothing had happened. The only thing that had changed was that Makalaure’s music had stopped and he had taken to staring at Findekano with an unreadable expression.

It annoyed Findekano that they were always forced to play together. There was an undeniable sense of rivalry between them, plus something about Makalaure unnerved him. Despite his loud voice, Makalaure was often quiet and thoughtful, and Findekano simply didn’t understand what was up with him all the time.

Just like that Makalaure got up from his seat on the floor and went straight to Maitimo’s chair. He looked up at his older brother, and Maitimo picked him up without a thought, placing Makalaure on his left knee, where Makalaure perched as if he belonged there by birthright.

Findekano’s eyes widened in sudden anger, but Makalaure didn’t even glance in his direction. He straightened his little back and turned his head in Feanor’s direction, mirroring his big brother perfectly.

Something strange happened in Findekano’s guts. He had no illusion that his cousin had done that thing on purpose. They were always competing for Maitimo’s love. Makalaure seemed to think that he was Maitimo’s favourite, because he was Maitimo’s brother, but Findekano felt like it was him that Maitimo liked more, because Maitimo always paid him attention, and he always smiled at him and played with him when Findekano asked. He wasn’t sure Makalaure got the same treatment.

Seeing red, Findekano wriggled out of his grandfather’s lap and dropped on the floor. No one watched him sneak underneath the table. There he could see all the adults’ legs, noticing that his father’s feet were tapping rapidly when Feanor spoke, before locating Maitimo’s long legs and Makalaure’s little ones dangling on the sides of Maitimo’s thigh.

Findekano walked under the table, nodding his head a little to avoid bumping it, until he was right by his older cousin. He wanted to touch the light green velvet over Maitimo’s calf - the material of his trousers looked so soft and so inviting, however that could wait - he had a mission.

Makalaure, on the other hand, was wearing shorts and knee-length socks. It was convenient that there was an exposed stretch of flesh right there. Without further thought Findekano bit Makalaure's thigh viciously.

After that everything happened too quickly for Findekano to fully grasp. The shriek of pain his bite elicited broke several glasses and as Makalaure kept wailing inconsolably, the windows began to shake. Then the adults were also screaming, everyone was on their feet, only Findekano was still hiding under the table.

Somewhere deep down inside, Findekano realised that he was the cause of the storm that suddenly broke over the Feanorian household, and he felt dread wash over him as the adult voices got angrier and angrier and Makalaure didn’t stop shrieking in that unnaturally loud and piercing voice of his.

Findekano curled into a ball and pressed his thumbs into his aching ears and hoped that no one would find him. His father was calling his name and he sounded really angry, and then the tablecloth was lifted from several places and the adults’ faces were all popping out underneath and looking at him, calling him from several different directions.

His parents looked the most outraged, their faces blushing darkly and their eyes sparkling, so Findekano moved away from their grasping hands, beginning to truly dread what punishment he would be given once he was caught.

Then Maitimo’s head appeared and unlike the rest of them, he didn’t sound livid as he called his name and Findekano threw himself into his eldest cousin’s embrace, letting Maitimo drag him out from under the table and lift him high into the safety of his embrace.

Usually Findekano loved to look at the world from that high up, but this time he simply clung to his cousin for protection as his father came over to reprimand him.

“Findekano! Look at me!” Nolofinwe was calling him. He sounded really angry, so Findekano simply dug his face further into Maitimo’s shoulder.

“How can you embarrass us like that? Is this what we taught you? You are not an animal to bite! Why did you bite your cousin?” his father kept going.

“It’s okay,” Maitimo interrupted, the deep rumble of his voice vibrating against Findekano’s tiny chest in the most soothing manner. “It’s just kids at play. Makalaure used to bite and punch. They grow out of it eventually.”

Thankfully Nerdanel carried Makalaure from the room to sooth him somewhere where he couldn’t tear the rest of the family’s eardrums and the commotion began to calm down. Even Findekano’s father didn’t look so angry once the noise had subsided.

“What are you going to say for yourself, Findekano?” his father addressed him one more time.

Findekano didn’t look up from where he was hiding in his cousin’s embrace. Maitimo was rocking him in his arms like a baby, but it was soothing and exactly what he needed, so Findekano let it pass.

“Say sorry,” Maitimo hinted in his hair.

“I’m sorry!” Findekano cried, his voice breaking with the tears he couldn’t hold back any longer.

He sobbed over Maitimo’s shoulder and his cousin rubbed his little back.

“It’s not me you should apologise to, Finno,” Nolofinwe sounded a lot calmer. “Ask Makalaure for forgiveness when he comes back. And don’t do this again!”

Then his father walked away and Maitimo rocked him until Findekano’s tears dried out.

When he looked up he saw Maitimo’s gentle smile. His red hair was shiny and beautiful, falling over his shoulders and Findekano basked in the opportunity to touch it. He ran his little fingers through the silky strands, stopping only to wipe the traces of tears and snot from his face before continuing carding through his cousin's hair.

“Will you tell me why you bit Makalaure?” Maitimo asked quietly, so that the other adults wouldn’t hear.

Findekano frowned and pouted his lips a bit, his protective anger not yet fully subsided.

“Because he deserved it,” Findekano sulked.

“Deserved it? What makes you think that?” Maitimo asked seriously.

That’s another thing Findekano liked about him - Maitimo never undermined him by speaking down to him in that patronising tone most adults adopted when they spoke to children.

“He was… was…” Findekano struggled to remember the word. He knew that word, but he hadn’t used it before. “He was gloating!”

“Why was he gloating?” Maitimo asked.

“He saw that they told me not to bother you and he came over to show me that he can bother you any time, even when I’m not allowed!" Findekano nearly stumbled over his words in his hurry to explain.

Maitimo kissed the top of his head and Findekano felt his anger drain away. Then Maitimo said something that sounded wise to little Findekano, something about how it was not a competition, something, and something else…

Many years later Fingon could no longer recall exactly what Maitimo had said. But what he did recall was that back then he had wished that he could always be with Maitimo, just as he was - pressed close to his cousin's strong chest and leaning his head on his cousin’s broad shoulder.

In that moment he tried to imagine what it would have been like if Maitimo and him had been brothers, and he made a wish that one day, they would become.


	2. Like an Idol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fingon and Maglor start lessons together.

Turukano was born when Findekano was about the right age to start his schooling. Being an older brother turned out to be an unpleasant experience for Findekano, who felt a little jealous of the little boy that could do little but cry and burp and soil his diapers. Findekano really didn’t see how this was the playmate he had been promised or why his parents gave the baby so much attention.

His suspicion that he was no longer his parent’s favorite got confirmed when on one family visit to his uncle’s house, Feanaro offered that Findekano staid with them to start lessons with Makalaure for whom tutors had been hired.

Hearing the proposition, Findekano’s dark eyes met Makalaure’s pale ones and in that moment promises of mischief and hostility were exchanged without words, but no one was asking the elflings' opinion and Nolofinwe enthusiastically agreed on his son’s behalf.

Anaire also accepted, and Nerdanel approved, the two of them having long hoped that the children would bring the half-brothers together. And so it was decided without heed of Finno's wishes on the matter - he was moving to live in his uncle Feanaro'e house.

…

Many centuries later, Fingon still remembered the day that he departed from his parent’s house for the first time, down to what his nursemaid had dressed him in - a brand new blue tunic with a golden belt, a pair of velvet brown leggings and soft pelt shoes, his hair braided into many tiny braids with small gold beads dangling off each end.

Standing at the door, Anaire kissed Findekano’s cheeks, and then made him kiss baby Turukano’s chubby little face. Nowofinwe smiled at his older son and motioned for him to follow outside.

That’s when Findekano took a deep breath and started to cry.

“What’s wrong, son?” Nowofinwe asked, reaching for Findekano’s skinny arm. Findekano ducked away and hid behind his mother’s skirt.

“I don’t want to goooooo,” he cried loudly.

“But why?” Nowofinwe sounded a little frustrated. “You didn’t mind until now…”

“I don’t like Makalaureeee,” Findekano whailed. “I want to stay here with youuuuu!”

He kept crying as Anaire and Nowofinwe exchanged glances. Then Anaire’s hand came down to stroke Findekano’s cheek.

“But Maitimo is going to be there too,” she said and he immediately shut up.

…

A few hours later Findekano was looking around his new room in uncle Feanaro’s house with Nerdanel stroking his tightly braided hair.

“Do you like it?” she asked and Findekano looked up to see her soft smile. She reminded him strongly of his mother, even thought they looked nothing alike.

He felt his eyes well up in tears.

“Oh dear,” Nerdanel kneeled down beside him and pulled him into her warm embrace. “What’s wrong, Finno? Do you miss your parents already?”

He did, but he didn’t want to seem like a baby so he shook his head.

“Where is Maitimo?” Findekano asked instead, pulling slightly away from Nerdanel to wipe his running nose.

“He’s in Tirion, studying at the Academy there,” Nerdanel told him.

Findekano’s lower lip shook and his eyes overflowed with tears as he realised his parent’s betrayal.

“When will he be back?” he asked pitifully.

“In a few days. He comes back every weekend,” Nerdanel reassured him, and Findekano felt that he could breathe a little easier.

“Makalaure is also waiting anxiously for his return,” Nerdanel added. “He misses him really badly. I’m glad you are here. Maybe now that you have each other for company Makalaure wouldn’t be so lonely without his big brother.”

…

It wasn’t that way, of course. Makalaure hated him.

Their mutual lessons started and the two cousins were made to spend most of the days together. They were rivals, not friends, and competed for their tutor’s praise, for Feanaro and Nerdanel’s attention, for everything.

True to Nerdanel’s word, Maitimo returned in the weekends and these occasions became at once the most joyous and stressful moments in Findekano’s life. He was overjoyed to see his eldest cousin, but at the same time, whenever Maitimo visited the tension between him and Makalaure skyrocketed to unbearable levels.

The two elflings never got through the week without arguing, but when Maitimo visited, all of their suppressed aggression came out one way or the other. They bickered and fought over every small thing, causing a lot of noise and destruction whenever Maitimo was in the house.

Sometimes Findekano registered the disapproving look on his older cousin’s face and worried that Maitimo might like him a little less now that he saw him getting into fights with Makalaure, but at times Kano managed to anger him so much, that Findekano just had to throw a punch.

Nerdanel was also worried by just how violent the two boys became over the weekends - there were bruises and bites, sometimes bloody noses and scratches, items thrown, vases broken, furniture overturned. The only person who didn’t give a hoot was Feanaro, who inevitably said:

“Boys will be boys. Let them play.”

“Do you call this playing!?” Nerdanel seethed.

...

Once it was Maitimo who pulled them apart.

“What’s happening, little chaps?” Maitimo asked as he picked up Makalaure under his right arm and Findekano under his left.

He lifted them up, supporting each on a hip and effectively standing between them, even as Findekano tried unsuccessfully to grab a lock of Makalaure’s hair and Makalaure spit on his hand.

“Enough,” was all that Maitimo said and Makalaure buried his face in his older brother’s sleeve and begun to sob.

“Kano,” Maitimo said softly and Finno’s heart sunk at the tenderness of it. He felt jealous and guilty and fearful all at once.

What if Maitimo stopped loving him, because of the way he fought with Makalaure?

Maitimo carried them to a chair where he gently placed Findekano and kissed his forehead before carrying away his crying younger brother to another room to sooth him.

Once he was left alone, Findekano secretly began to sob.

…

From those early classes, later Fingon remembered only two - the outdoor training lessons, and the music lessons. The reason was that he excelled the most in the outdoor training, whereas the music lesson was the one where despite having a good voice himself, he was completely overshadowed by Makalaure’s almost supernatural talent.

His music teacher always encouraged him, reminding him that Makalaure was an exceptional musical protege, and that Finno was doing as well as could be expected. However it was impossible not to feel bad, because knowing he was better at something, Makalaure made sure to rub it in Findekano’s nose. All. The. Time.

During training class Makalaure usually did nothing. While Findekano was performing complex exercises and acrobatics, running at full speed across the grassy field behind uncle Feanaro’s country estate, climbing over ramps and balancing on rope, Makalaure sat on a branch of an old apple tree and chirped like a bird, using his strange talent for altering his voice to imitate the different bird calls. He did it so well that he could summon a flock of different birds on the tree with him, but not so that they’d keep him company. He did it just to remind Findekano that he was special and better than him, even if Findekano clearly exceeded him in training.

One day Makalaure got especially annoying when Findekano was trying to perform a double back-flip. Every time Finno failed, Makalaure made chicken noises to mock him, and finally Findekano’s anger boiled over and he threw a rock at the tree. He didn’t aim for Makalaure, at least not consciously, but his mark was true, and the rock hit Makalaure on the side of the face.

The dark-haired boy dropped from the tree like a ripe apple and remained down amongst the soft cushioning of the grass.

Frightened, their teacher ran to check on him, and feeling a little shocked, Finno followed. Once he saw Makalaure sitting up with a reddened cheek and only a little bit of blood oozing from the scratches on his skin, but otherwise ok and just as unpleasant as always, Findekano felt better about what he had done.

His teacher went on demolishing him for throwing a rock at Makalaure and punished him to spend the rest of the day in his room. It was a horrible punishment, since Findekano hated nothing as much as being confined, but he had no power to protest.

Feeling frustrated he was about to go, but while their tutor wasn’t looking Makalaure flashed him a bloody and malicious grin.

“You deserved that, bird-brain!” Findekano hissed to him angrily.

Makalaure’s smile dropped and he became deathly serious, his grey eyes flashing with an unholy light.

Chills run down Findekano’s spine. He knew that he had overdone it and that retribution would follow, but he couldn’t let Makalaure see him afraid. So he stuck out his tongue to him, turned and left.

…

The next day was a Friday, only one day before Maitimo was due to return for the weekend. Findekano was so besides himself with happiness that he totally forgot about the incident of the previous day and the seething anger in Makalaure’s eyes.

They rarely had lessons on Fridays, unless they were falling behind on some subject, and so it was the one day when Finno could spend roaming the grounds free of Makalaure’s hated company. He used those days sometimes to read, sometimes to take his harp away from the house and practice where Makalaure wouldn’t be able to hear him, but most of the time, he liked to run around and play.

He climbed rocks. He hung from branches of his feet like a bat. He jumped from tree to tree like a squirrel. He undressed and swam in a little stream unsupervised. He practiced fighting with a stick. He explored new paths in the forest behind the hill. He sometimes surprised the deer there, sneaking up to them and trying to mount one like a steed. He practiced his front flips and backflips over the soft dry needle padding of the forest floor and did cartwheels and splits for fun.

He never saw Makalaure when he was outside and assumed the other boy never went there.

That’s why he didn’t suspect anything when he heard a beloved voice calling:

“Finno! Hey, Finno!”

Findekano’s eyes widened in surprise and happiness.

“Maitimo?” he called back.

“Finno!” Maitimo’s voice carried over to him. It was coming from somewhere further down the path that lead deeper into the woods.

“Maitimo! Where are you?”

When he heard the answer, it sounded even further away:

“Finno! Come here!”

“Where?” Findekano giggled, running down the path towards Maitimo’s voice.

“Here - come this way!”

He chased the voice further and further into the woods. It felt like a game - like Maitimo was hiding and Findekano was seeking him. It was fun and Findekano was laughing the entire time, trying to catch up to the voice and running at full speed. Sometimes he got very close, but inevitably, Maitimo would move further away before calling out to him again.

The path was getting smaller and more overgrown with grass and covered in dead leaves the further he went. The canopy of trees was also much denser and there was very little light coming between their tall trunks.

“Maitimo! Where are you?” Findekano panted.

He was getting tired from all the running, and a little bit cold where the wind was blowing through his sweaty tunic.

There was no answer, and suddenly he realised that he hadn’t heard Maitimo’s voice in a while.

“Maitimo! Come out! I’m tired of playing!” he called a little desperately, but no answer came from the silent woods.

“Maitimo?” He called again, looking around.

His ears twitched anxiously as he listened for his older cousin. Could he had lost him somewhere along the way. He couldn’t see the path anywhere…

“Maitmo! Please come out! _Please_!”

…

Night came and Findekano was lost. He was alone beneath the pitch black of the trees, totally abandoned by everybody - his parents, who had left him in uncle Feanaro’s house, because they had a new son, whom they loved more; uncle Feanaro and aunt Nerdanel, who clearly didn’t care about him since they hadn’t come looking; treacherous Makalaure, who no doubt was happy that he was gone; and worst of all, Maitimo, who clearly hated him, if he had lead him into the woods to get rid of him.

Heartbroken and hopeless, Findekano curled under a fallen tree-trunk, using the cover of dry leaves to keep himself a little warmer, as the forest grew colder after sunset and the bitter wind picked up. He was so tired that he somehow managed to fall asleep despite being hungry, thirsty and afraid.

…

He awoke suddenly with a piercing blue light blinding him. Something was grabbing for him, something was dragging him out of his hiding place. Findekano would have screamed if his body wasn’t so numbed from sleeping on the cold ground that he was powerless to do anything.

Just as abruptly as he was pulled out from underneath the tree-trunk, he was enveloped in a pair of hard arms that felt so hot after being exposed to the elements, that for a moment Findekano could have sworn that his uncle was truly made of fire.

The light turned out to be a lamp, held in Feanaro’s right hand, which was moved away from Findekano’s face and the boy’s eyes begun to adjust and make out sharp outlines in the blue highlights and dark shadows that made up the people around him.

“Found him,” Feanaro announced calmly and Nerdanel came rushing towards with Makalaure’s little hand clasped tightly in her own.

Findekano looked over Feanaro’s shoulder, still shivering despite the way his uncle’s embrace burned, and he saw Makalaure’s face in the lamplight. The other boy had tears running down his cheeks and seemed too ashamed to look his way.

Nerdanel came around and embraced him from behind, and for a moment Findekano closed his eyes, feeling the embrace of both adults at the same time. Quickly the terrible feelings of fear and loneliness were replaced by relief.

“Kanafinwe, what are you going to say,” Feanaro’s voice was even, but there was an unmistakable edge just underneath the surface.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry I lead you into the forest!” Makalaure cried, and his voice was loud and shrill and so heart-breakingly sad that Findekano felt that he could forgive him. “I never wanted you to get lost! I’m sorry, Finno!”

“So, it wasn’t Maitimo?” were Findekano’s first words, accompanied with the chattering of his teeth.

“No, it was me.” Makalaure confessed. “Please forgive me!”

“Ok, I forgive you,” Finno said sleepily. He could never hold grudges for very long and the relief that Maitimo hadn’t betrayed him, that uncle and aunt loved him enough to come looking for him and that Makalaure was actually crying and was sorry was enough for him to forgive the transgression.

“Let’s go home!” Nerdanel said and Finno was soon asleep, carried to safety in the warmth of uncle Feanaro’s embrace.

…

Even though it was a Saturday and that meant Maitimo's arrival, both Findekano and Makalaure slept until late and were not up to meet their idol when he arrived.

Fingon remembered that on that day he was briefly awoken in the morning by Nerdanel and Maitimo's hushed voices. He popped one sleepy eye opened to see the two red-heads standing side by side at his doorway.

“... should talk to them. They worship you,” Nerdanel was telling her son and Maitimo nodded gravely as he softly pulled the door closed behind them.

Back then Findekano was too young and too tired to make sense of what he had heard.

Later he was gently awoken by Maitimo himself. Looking up at the fall of his cousin’s long red hair and those smiling eyes that were an almost sea-green thanks to the reflected teal of his tunic, Findekano decides that if Maitimo was there every morning, then he would never again complain about getting up.

“Rise and shine,” his cousin said and Findekano sat up, stretching his short arms over his head as he yawned.

“I missed you,” Findekano responded and turned his cheek towards Maitimo expectantly.

His cousin laughed and kissed it, then kissed the other one when Finno offered it.

Maitimo sat on the edge of the elfling’s bed and sensing that he wouldn't be ushered to getting up just yet, Findekano crawled into his cousin’s lap, wordlessly demanding to be cuddled.

“I heard you got up to some trouble this week,” Maitimo said once Findekano was tucked against his large chest. “Will you tell me what happened?”

“Oh,” Findekano didn't see the point of talking about his troubles with Makalaure, especially since he had found his way into Maitimo’s embrace in the end and Kano was nowhere in sight to ruin it.

Things were ideal as they were, but if Maitimo wanted to hear about his week, Findekano wasn’t about to deny him anything.

“Yesterday Kano pretended to be you and made me get lost in the forest,” Finno told him.

“And you couldn’t tell that it wasn’t me?”

“He sounded just like you. He can imitate your voice,” the boy attested.

“I heard you were lost and that it took hours for Mother and Father to find you after Makalaure confessed what he had done. Were you scared all by yourself in the forest?”

“No,” Finno lied. “I was not scared at all. Just bored.”

“And did you accept Makalaure’s apology?” Maitimo asked.

“Yes. He said he was sorry.”

“Mother and Father got really worried for you. I also got worried, even though I only found out once it was over,” Maitimo confessed and Findekano smiled.

“You shouldn’t have worried about me! I wasn’t scared of the dark,” he claimed.

“I know that you are brave, Finno. Even so, I don’t want to hear of anything like that happening again,” Maitimo said. “I have spoken to Kano, and he promised he would never knowingly endanger you or anyone else again. I think he understands the gravity of what he did and what the consequences of his actions could have been, if things had gone wrong.”

Findekano wasn’t certain what some of the big words Maitimo said meant, but he nodded anyway, because it seemed important, and because he was always in agreeance with Maitimo.

“Which brings me to something else. I asked Kano why he did what he did and he told me that you threw a rock at him and hit him on the head,” Maitimo reproved and Findekano’s heart sunk.

“He provoked me…” Finno’s whine trailed off into nothingness under Maitimo’s stern gaze.

“What did he do to provoke you so?”

“He was making chicken noises at me! He was making fun of me!”

“That’s not too nice of him and I told him that when he admitted to the same,” Maitimo said. “But did you see the bruise you left on his face? Do you know that had you hit a little bit higher,” Maitimo touched Findekano’s temple to demonstrate, “ you could have killed him?”

Findekano gaped in shock. The very idea of it… For a moment he imagined Makalaure dropping from the tree, but never actually rising from the ground. He imagined their teacher turning to him to say: _‘Kano’s dead. You killed him.’_

“No!” Findekano cried, wiping away the tears that were already rolling down the sides of his face. “I never wanted to kill him! I didn’t know!”

“Hush, it’s alright,” Maitimo hugged him close and caressed his braided hair. “You were lucky - both of you. But just remember, whatever you do, never throw stones at living creatures, and never hit them on the head, because it’s the most tender part of the body and one wrong blow can cause serious damage.”

Still upset by the horrible thought, Findekano took some time to calm down. He felt that Makalaure was the most annoying person in the world, but he had never wanted to really hurt him.

“Now, I told Kano the same that I’m going to tell you now - no more fighting!” Maitimo said at last. “If you disagree about something you have to talk about it like elves, not bite and kick each other like animals.”

“Yes, Maitimo,” Findekano said.

“If I hear of you two fighting like that again, I’m not going to come back home anymore,” his cousin threatened.

“No! Maitimo, no-”

“Only if I hear you were fighting again,” Maitimo reassured him. “If you don’t fight I will continue to come home every weekend. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Findekano tightened his grip on his favorite cousin and buried his face in Maitimo’s tunic just in case.

“Now, are you hungry? Mother made some pancakes in the morning. I think there might be some left if Kano hasn’t polished them off.”

And just like that things went back to normal. Of course, promising not to fight with Makalaure was easier said than done, but thankfully even when they had a little mishap Nerdanel never told on them and Maitimo kept coming home every weekend.

And that’s how Fingon remembered his first years of schooling and the beginnings of his tentative truce with Maglor. Maitimo was their idol and they worshiped the ground beneath his feet. At least that much they had in common.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sort of just wrote itself :D I hope you like where this story is going! Let me know your thoughts <3


	3. Like a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Findekáno is about the Elven equivalent of 12 years old here, or whatever age you want him to be :D
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of homophobia.

It was the Tarnin Austa and all three sons of Finwë and their families were gathered in the royal palace of Tirion for the customary festivities.

Predictably, Findekáno could be found in Maitimo’s room, and even less surprisingly, Makalaurë was there as well. The two boys had grown neither closer nor further apart since the days of their shared lessons, but had come to a sort of truce. Findekáno was no longer schooled alongside the second Fëanorion, but was assigned new tutors to teach him, along with his growing brother Turukáno and little Findaráto of the Arafinwëan line.

Makalaurë now shared his classes with Tyelkormo, the biggest trouble-maker their families had begotten as of yet, and Morifinwë, who wasn't yet of age to starting lessons, but whose intuitive grasp for mathematics had placed him ahead.

With such an abundance of cousins, Anaire often asked Findekáno why he kept running after Maitimo, who was an adult and had many other things to do than entertain children.

“I think Maitimo and I are going to be best friends,” Findekáno would always claim whenever they spoke of it.

“Surely Maitimo is too old to be your best friend,” Anairë sometimes attempted to argue with her stubborn son. “He must have completely different interests. You need a friend who’s closer to your age. Your brother is growing fast and is almost as tall as you already. Shouldn’t he be your best friend?”

Of course, Turukáno was his friend, but he wasn’t his best friend, not like Maitimo was - could be. Furthermore, Turukáno seemed to prefer playing with little Findaráto, who was currently staying in their house, just like Findekáno once had lived with the Fëanorians.

Thus Findekáno looked for the company of Maitimo. However, something similar seemed to be happening in Makalaurë's head, because he was commonly found with his older brother instead of playing with Tyelko or Moryo.

And so on that afternoon the two boys were once again sitting on Nelyafinwë’s bed, watching their elder getting dressed for dinner. 

Everyone had taken care to be presentable for the summer solstice festival - even Tyelko was suffocating somewhere in his stiff high collar and velour leggings - but Maitimo had been changing his attire for about half an hour. Makalaurë sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, sharing a long-suffering look with Findekáno when Maitimo grabbed another tunic from his wardrobe and held it up in front of the mirror. The tall red-haired elf seemed deep in thought and totally oblivious to the passage of time and his audience's exasperation.

“You look fine in that one,” Makalaurë complained, sensing another outfit change coming.

Maitimo didn’t answer him, instead laying the new robe over himself and contemplating his reflection. It was a fresh eggshell green, whereas Maitimo was currently clad in a formal silver brocade.

“I like you in green though,” Findekáno said and got elbowed by a frustrated-looking Makalaurë .

“You think?” Maitimo asked absently, holding the green robe up again.

“What does it matter anyway?” Makalaurë bemoaned. “Do you always have to dress to make everyone stare at you?”

Maitimo chuckled.

“I suspect they would stare no matter what I wear,” he sighed in a manner that was too resigned to be mistaken for vanity.

Findekáno’s eyes quickly scanned down Maitimo's form, eyeing the broad shoulders and the generous fall of copper hair that curled just above his cousin's small waist. He was old enough to know that Nelyafinwë was beautiful, and not just in the eyes of those who loved him dearly. Strangely the thought elicited a soft sigh from his fragile chest.

“You prim like a girl,” Makalaurë accused, but contrary to his tone he bounced off the bed and went to stand beside his brother to smooth his own attire and hair.

Maitimo laughed and fixed Makalaurë's collar.

Feeling a little jealous, Findekáno undid the bow around his neck and tossed it on the floor.

“Too restrictive,” he claimed when two nearly identical pairs of grey eyes met his dark ones in the mirror.

He sprawled on Maitimo’s bed and waited, listening to their quiet conversation until something Makalaurë said caught his attention:

“... going out later, even though Mother and Father forbid it?”

Maitimo didn’t immediately respond, so Findekáno rolled on his side.

“You didn't say you were going somewhere,” he complained.

“I'm meeting a friend,” Maitimo said, while at the same time Makalaurë grinned, “Nelyo has a date.”

Findekáno’s jaw dropped and suddenly he felt a strange and unpleasant emotion. It wasn't like the envy he felt when Maitimo hugged someone else in the family - it was ten times worse.

Some of that must have shown on his face because Makalaurë started laughing and Maitimo turned to him completely, explaining gently:

“It's not a date, Finno, I'm just seeing a friend,” he said and then frowned at Makalaurë who was beaming maliciously at Findekáno.

“A very special friend that Mother and Father forbid Nelyo from seeing," Makalaurë announced proudly and ducked away from his brother's arms when Maitimo attempted to grab him. 

"Kano!" their eldest cousin sounded angry, but also worried. 

"And Nelyo keeps going out and preening himself like he’s doing just now,” Makalaurë continued until Maitimo managed to grab him and put a hand over his mouth. Unfortunately even that wasn't enough to spare Findekáno from the next words, which came out muffled but loud enough to understand - “and he’s not going to be back tonight, are you, Nelyo?”

“Where's he going to sleep then?” Findekáno asked, dazed by shock and a terrible nameless emotion - like disappointment, betrayal and jealousy all at once.

“I will be back in the-” Maitimo begun, but Makalaurë got free of his grasp and boomed, “With his boyfriend!”

Findekano blinked stupidly, too overwhelmed to process what was said.

“Not with my _boyfriend_! Makalaurë! What did Father say!?" Maitimo shook his little brother who suddenly seemed to realise he had done something wrong.

"Oh, no, I meant **girlfriend**! Maitimo's friend is a **girl**..." Makalaurë amended, but his usually pale face was glowing pink. Both of his cousins had turned really red, Findekáno noticed, and in Makalaurë's case there were tears starting to form in his eyes.

"I'm not an idiot," Findekáno growled, regaining himself a little. "I know you said it right the first time. Don't try to lie to me!" 

"Then you also know that he shouldn't have said that, and that you shouldn't repeat it to anyone, right?" Maitimo put Kano down and both of them stared at Findekáno gravely. 

Suddenly he felt awfully upset and he didn’t even know why. Confused by the magnitude of his feelings he rolled off the bed and bounced out of the room.

“Finno…” he heard Maitimo reluctantly calling him before the door slammed between them.

…

Dinner progressed much like it did with those events. Theirs was a large family and their position was such that many formalities had to adressed, even in the simple act of eating together. They were in one of the palace's smaller feasting halls, along with extended family and other Noldorin nobility.

Findekáno sat on the main table beside his father, with Turukáno on his other side.

Despite the hurt he felt, he could hardly keep from glancing towards the Fëanorian end, where Maitimo was sitting, dressed in the eggshell green tunic that Findekáno had preferred, with red hair braided out of his face and occasionally meeting Finno's eyes with an apologetic look.

After dessert had been served and eaten, many had gotten up or changed seats, in order to converse, and in the case of the little princes, most were out of their chairs and playing with the other children around the great hall. Tyelko was one of the youngest of the Finwëan line, but he seemed to be the natural leader of the games. He had even brooding Makalaurë participate in a made-up game of wolves and hunters.

Findekáno alone was still sitting at the table, starring at his empty dessert cup.

“Finno,” Anairë slid over, sitting on Ñolofinwë’s unoccupied seat to reach over and hug her son.

“What’s wrong? It isn’t like you to sit in one place for so long?” his mother crooned.

Findekáno stared at the table and stubbornly refused to answer. Suddenly Anairë looked up and nodded to someone before getting up and leaving Findekáno alone.

Before the young boy had time to feel abandoned, he caught a glance of green and red beside him.

“Maitimo,” he breathed before he could remember that he was supposed to be sulking.

“Finno, I wanted to talk to you,” his cousins sat in Turukano’s seat and was pushing plates out of the way to make room for one of his elbows.

“I can see that you are upset, and even though I think I know why that is, I'd rather hear it from you,” Maitimo said. "Will you talk to me?"

“I don’t want you to see anyone!” Findekáno blurted out, tears rising to his eyes. He tried to blink them away, but his nose was starting to run as well and it was all awfully embarrassing. He grabbed a napkin and hid his tears and his blush behind it as he pretended to wipe his nose.

“Anyone?” Maitmo asked carefully. 

"Anyone," Findekano said with finality. 

Of course he knew that men were not supposed to love men, as he had heard explained when he first tried to make his toy warriors kiss. But if Maitimo thought that he was upset about that more than he was upset about the rest, then he was a fool.

"Are you afraid that I wouldn't love you anymore, because I might be loving someone else instead?" Maitimo asked and Findekáno was relieved that his cousin guessed exactly what was wrong, even when he couldn't bring himself to say it.

“Yes... You will get married and go away…” Findekáno tried not to sob, but he was still breathless.

“No, no,” Maitimo smiled and it looked sad. "There will be no marriage for me. As you know, it's forbidden and I cannot marry whom I want."

Put like that, it sounded terribly unfair, even to Findekáno, who didn't want to see Maitimo taken away from him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling guilty for wishing to have Maitimo all to himself, when his cousin couldn't get the one he loved. "I'm really sorry I was so selfish, Maitimo."

"Don't be," Maitimo reassured him with a peck to the top of his head. "It's not your fault, Findekáno. All I want is for you to keep my secret. Can you promise me that?"

"I promise," he said.

"Thank you."

…

Whatever ease Findekáno felt after their conversation, it evaporated completely from his youthful heart when Maitimo insisted on leaving soon after instead of staying and playing with him and the others.

With every step Maitimo took towards the door, Findekáno's resolve to be selfless crumbled, and he found himself skipping after the tall red-haired elf all the way down to the palace's front gate. He pleaded with Maitimo to stay just a bit more and his cousin's reassurances that he’d be there on the next day didn’t seem to do much to ease the trouble in his chest. He had a feeling that whatever Maitimo said, he was eager to go out and see his boyfriend, so much so that even Findekáno’s tears couldn’t stop him. Something about that stung terribly.

Just as Maitimo opened the door to leave, Findekáno jumped on his long frame and hugged him across the waist.

“If you have to go, then please, take me with you!”

“When you grow up, Finno,” Maitimo seemed to be losing patience and he tried to pry Findekáno’s hands away. Finno squeezed even harder, knocking the older elf’s breath out.

“Careful, Finno, you are crushing me!”

“Then don’t go! I beg you!”

“Let me go, I'm telling you!”

“No!”

Suddenly Findekáno found his hands pried off with an almost uncaring efficiency as Maitimo wriggled out of his grip. His eldest cousin clasped his elbows and pressed them against his sides, neutralising his ability to move his arms. It didn’t hurt, but the treatment was impatient and lacked gentleness and Findekáno only managed to squeak in protest before Maitimo had pushed him inside and closed the door after himself.

It stung. It really did.

For a moment Findekáno stood in the hallway, too stunned to breathe. Then he noticed Makalaurë, who was sitting on the staircase, watching him. Makalaurë shrugged as if to say _'you see - he equally doesn't care about us anymore.'_

Findekáno glared up at him for a moment before he spun on his heels and rushed out of the door after Maitimo.

Maitimo was already halfway to the stables, but when he heard Findekáno coming, he made a run for it.

Findekáno ran after him at full speed, not wasting his breath to shout.

Maitimo got his horse out and jumped on its bare back in record time, managing to take off just as Findekáno reached him.

“Maitimo!” Findekáno screamed.

“Finno, go back inside!” Maitimo called as he rushed his horse into a gallop and passed through the garden gates and into the cobbled streets of nightime Tirion.

Angry and heartbroken, Findekáno ran after him.

…

The only reason why young Findekáno managed to track him was that Maitimo was sort of hard to miss and wherever he passed, he invariably left people whispering and talking about him.

Findekáno was still a boy and even clad in the regalia of a prince didn’t attract as much attention, and given that he had been at very few royal functions, few knew his face.

So through asking and guessing, and thanks to the fact that Maitimo wasn’t going that far away, soon Findekáno was standing behind a street corner, watching his cousin talking to another noble, who also held the reigns of a horse.

Maitimo was taller than his friend, but the other elf was of a heavier build and the two seemed quite evenly matched. They laughed at something that was being said and lead their horses to the stables of an inn before they went inside.

Finno was starting to feel a little anxious about having ran away and wondered if Makalaure had told on him yet. Cussing childishly, he decided that his cousin had no doubt given him away and the whole palace was searching for him.

However, he had come thus far and he couldn’t turn away yet. He needed to know what Maitimo got up to and if this was the hated boyfriend - the one who was so precious that Maitimo was willing to do anything to meet up with him.

The inn didn’t look like the kind of place where they let children in, so Findekáno used the cover of a noisy group of elves to sneak in unnoticed.

Once inside, he was overwhelmed by the amount of rowdy commoners in such a tiny place. He could hardly see anything in the crowd and it occurred to him that this was a good place to disappear even for someone as noticeable as the crown prince of the Noldor. Needlessly to say, he couldn’t see Maitimo anywhere.

Taking a deep breath, Findekáno pushed his way through the bodies of celebrating elves, looking for his cousin. He got knocked and shoved several times by uncaring, drunk patrons and fell on the ground once, getting his little palms stained with dirt from the dusty old wooden planks of the floor. He picked himself up and continued, and made at least three rounds of the place, before starting to lose hope. 

Just as he was about to give up, he spotted Maitimo in a dark corner just beneath the narrow staircase that lead to the upper floors. His cousin was laughing as the other elf was dragging him forward by the delicate green tunic and then suddenly he stepped into Maitimo’s space and smacked their lips together.

Findekáno’s breath hitched in his chest and his eyes widened so much, he was sure they would pop out of his head. Maitimo was kissing - the way adults kissed.

As he gaped the two elves separated from their brief embrace and Maitimo happily hopped up the stairs after the nameless boyfriend, disappearing from sight on the upper floor.

Blushing furiously, Findekáno squeezed his way out of the inn and ran back the streets towards his grandfather’s palace. He was young, but not young enough not to understand what his cousin was doing. He didn’t even know why he was crying, but he couldn't help it.

...

Somehow the boy found his way back. Thankfully the walk and the fear of getting lost had eased the edge of his earlier emotions.

At the gates he was met by a guard, who looked relieved to see him and swiftly took him to his father.

Inside the palace Ñolofinwë sat on the mantlepiece of an empty fireplace, looking harried and worried. When he saw Findekáno he seemed unable to decide weather it was relief or anger he felt.

“Findekáno!” Ñolofinwë raised his tone. “Where on Arda did you think you were?”

“I was just playing-”

“Don’t you lie to me!” his father scolded.

Uncle Fëanáro was there as well, standing behind his father, and so was Makalaurë, who was hugging his father’s midsection.

“Makalaurë told us that you chased after Nelyafinwë,” Fëanáro said. “Did you follow him, Findekáno?”

Findekáno glared at Makalaurë and made a throat-slitting gesture at him. Makalaurë stuck his long tongue out in return.

“Yes, I did,” he admitted.

“What were you thinking!?” Ñolofinwë rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Do you know how worried…”

“I will speak to him alone,” Fëanáro interrupted his brother.

In Ñolofinwë’s stunned silence Findekáno suddenly realised that he’d be interrogated about his cousin, and it didn’t take an adult to know what Fëanáro’s interest was all about.

Fëanáro stepped out of Makalaurë’s embrace, went around his brother. His caloused smith’s hand dwarfed Findekáno’s shoulder when his uncle placed it there and used it to guide the boy away from the gathered relatives. The boy barely resisted the urge to look to his father for help as he was lead away.

When they were sufficiently far of earshot, Fëanáro lazily leaned on the high back of an armchair and tilted his head to the side in a manner that seemed bored. However, despite the fed up expression Fëanáro’s bright grey eyes were merciless and scrutinising, making Findekáno feel like prey caught in a much larger predator’s paws. It was hard not to blush and look away under that gaze.

“So, nephew, did you see where Nelyo went?” Fëanáro’s voice was deceptively pleasant.

“Yes,” Finno admitted quietly.

“And where was that?”

“I don’t know - I got lost,” Finno shrugged.

“Did you see him meet with anyone before you got so lost?” Fëanáro asked.

“A girl,” Findekáno lied.

Fëanáro narrowed his eyes and Findekano prided himself in managing to hold that stare.

“Is that so? And what did she look like?” his uncle asked.

Findekáno tried to think of a convincing lie and when he couldn't, pictured his mother.

“Um, she had black hair,” he said, "and dark eyes. And was very pretty."

“Good,” Fëanáro nodded and stood to his full height. He walked away and Ñolofinwë beckoned to his son to come back. By the time Findekáno ran back to his father, Ñolofinwë seemed to have calmed down and he took his son’s hand.

“Never disappear like that again!” his father begged. “Not without telling me where you go first.”

“I’m sorry, Father,” Finno whispered, but it wasn't quite a promise. Thankfully his father didn't notice.

“I love you, son,” Ñolofinwë answered just as softly into Findekáno’s hair as he pulled him into an embrace.

…

On the next day Findekáno didn’t see Maitimo until after lunchtime when he walked in on Fëanáro and Nerdanel drilling their son about the previous night.

It seemed that Maitimo’s parents were unhappy with him, but their eldest managed to soothe their worry enough that Fëanáro and Nerdanel left him alone. As they exited Findekáno ducked out of the way, hiding behind a sculpture. He thought he was as sly as a fox, but as they walked out, both Nerdanel and her husband winked in his direction.

Not letting their perceptiveness put him down Findekáno quietly stalked into the library and almost shyly appeared besides his cousin, who stood before a bookshelf, choosing what to read.

“Finno,” Maitimo said his name a little cautiously. “I heard you followed me.”

He nodded.

"And...?" Maitimo might have sounded nervous.

"I kept your secret," Findekáno told him and at that Maitimo's expression transformed to an affectionate smile.

"So I heard," he praised, but then his smile faltered. "But what about you? Did you see... No, never mind. Do you feel..."

It was strange to see Maitimo so uncertain. His cousin had always been an unshakable pillar, the solid foundation below Findekáno's feet. But right now he needed help, and Findekáno was ready to return the favour, so he hugged him through the waist, resting his forehead on Maitimo's chest and holding him until the older elf relaxed.

"Don't worry, Maitimo. I have your back, and I always will," he vowed and he felt his cousin relax and begin to softly laugh.

"I have no doubt. You were brave enough to stand up to my father and lie to his face, even though he knows the truth," Maitimo chuckled. "Not to say that lying is good, but in this case - just this case - thank you. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such loyalty.”

“You are the best cousin ever,” Finno stated.

“Really? Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough - am not good enough..."

"Not true. You're the best."

"Thank you. And so are you - the best little cousin ever."

Hearing that, Findekáno smiled so widely that his cheeks hurt. It was the biggest compliment he had ever received from the most important person in his life and it made him the happiest he had ever been. He beamed up at his cousin, whom he still held in a tight embrace.

“So, does that mean that you are also my best friend?” he offered with a huge grin.

Maitimo laughed again, but he seemed more delighted than nervous and Finno counted that as a success on his part. He had managed to cheer Maitimo up, even after the words his parents had flung at him earlier. Findekáno had heard but a few and most of them confusing, but he knew that those hadn't been the nicest things to say to his favourite cousin.

“I would be honoured to be your best friend,” Maitimo said and in his sudden burst of enthusiasm Findekáno nearly climbed up his tall body like a squirrel, before his cousin leaned down to scoop him into his arms, laughing the entire time.  
...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter :D They are getting more fun to write as Fingon grows and I'm having lots of fun with this story. Let me know your thoughts <3


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